Summer 1999 ~ Newsletter
Coping With The Difficulties Of Cystic Fibrosis
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Help, Our Child Is Ill, But What Is Happening To Our Marriage?
- By Craig Bowden, M. Div., Ed. S.
- Licensed Professional Counselor, Children's Harbor
When a child is diagnosed with a critical illness the family is thrown into an immediate crisis. The stress level on a one - to -ten scale has hit 12 and is climbing. The response choices are fight or flight. Often one parent will dig in their heels, put up their fists and is ready to take on the challenge of the threatening illness. The other parent may experience the threatening illness to such intensity that he or she may flee. Both may feel that there is no other choice.
"Crisis" has been described as being knocked off balance. It is like the feeling of having the rug jerked out from under you. You are tossed into the air with your feet over you head, and you are awaiting the impact that is for some reason delayed. The stress is so intense that it is difficult to recover. This person is so overwhelmed by the threatening illness that they feel helpless - paralyzed as a rabbit in the headlights of a speeding car.Granted, it is not always the case, but often it is Mom who digs in her heels and prepares herself for battle. She may see the battle as the illness, the medical staff, her husband or anyone else who appears to be a threat to her child. Her entire focus is on the child faced with a critical illness. Dad, on the other hand, may appear to be bailing out -- deserting those he cares for and loves the most. The wife may be asking, "Why, when we need you the most, are you not there for us?" "Why are you withdrawing from us?"What is going on? We all handle crisis and stress differently. Therefore, it is important to understand each other and help each other face the problem together. There are many issues and each family is unique, but there are some common factors that may help to explain some of the differences.
Men are typically "fixers." If it is broken, call Dad. Men just do that; it belongs to their nature. You may have to call a service man to repair what your husband fixed, but he is fulfilled when he "fixes" stuff. However, when something happens to those most dear to him, his wife and children, and it is beyond his ability to fix, he feels frustrated, helpless and useless. He may think, "I'm Dad, I am supposed to be able to take care of this, but this is beyond me." Inside he hurts like his guts are being twisted and pulled out of him. He may think he has nothing to offer and because of his intense emotional pain; he may even withdraw to try and make sense out of the chaos.Now Mom is confused by his behavior. Women tend to be more relational than men. That, too is part of their character. They long for intimacy -- i.e., the ability to share life experiences with those close to her, especially the burden of a critical illness. It is the ability to tell the ones she loves the most her feelings, hurts, fears and anger -- more of the things that her husband feels that he can not fix. Often she will feel abandoned and hurt by her husband's reaction, which provides opportunity for her to focus her anger -- even rage -- toward her husband. This serves to increase the heaviness of her burden.Communication is essential for marriage and especially in times of crisis and stress. Husbands and wives need to learn to speak each others language and how the other communicates. Husbands can help relieve some of the stress felt by their wives and children by listening with the goal of understanding their fears and hurts, disappointments and struggles, hopes and dreams. Can we fix them? No, but we can help each other bear the burden as a team.